Do you remember the first time you put on a Halloween costume?
Maybe you were a pirate, a superhero, or a witch with a pointy hat. Something shifted the moment the mask went on. You stood a little taller. You said things you’d never say on a normal Tuesday. For one evening, you got to be someone else!
Psychologists noticed the interesting power of a mask. In a well-known 1976 study, researchers quietly watched more than 1,300 trick-or-treaters. Each child was invited to take one piece of candy from a bowl while the adult stepped away. The kids whose faces were hidden behind costumes were more likely to take extra (Diener et al., 1976). A mask changes how free we feel to act.
That freedom can be wonderful but masks can also cover things we need to see. So this Halloween, let’s talk about masks: the ones that set us free, the ones that cover us up, and how to tell the difference.
The gift of trying on a different self
There’s real joy in imagining you’re someone else for a while. Kids do it all day long. Adults do it in theater, in games, in daydreams, and on Halloween.
Here’s why it matters. Your brain has a network that scientists call the default mode network. Think of it as your autopilot. It’s busy when you’re not focused on anything in particular, and it loves to replay the familiar story of who you are: I’m the anxious one. I’m not good in front of groups. That’s just how I am.
That story can feel solid, like a wall. But it’s more like a well-worn path.
Researchers at Stanford scanned the brains of people during hypnosis. They found that the connection between the brain’s focus center and this autopilot network loosened (Jiang et al., 2017). In plain words, research suggests hypnosis helps people step a little outside the usual story they tell about themselves.
This is one of the things I love most about my work as a Certified Hypnotherapist. When someone can imagine themselves as calm, confident, or free, really see it, feel it, hear it, that new picture starts to feel possible. It becomes a rehearsal, not a fantasy.
One of my clients had been struggling with a year and a half of unemployment. He was feeling very resentful about the way his former job laid him off and having to have relocated for more opportunity. He knew that he was exceptionally skilled and his talents were highly desirable. He had, however, begun to note that at every job interview he had felt instantaneously defensive about why he should have never been laid off at his last job. In hypnosis, he was able to relax and set aside worry while he address the things he was most defensive about, from his former employer and Then he was able to turn toward his desires and goals for working somewhere new. Having dropped the need to defend, he realized he was curious about how he might finally find himself working his dream job and who he would be then. He was able to imagine and envision how he could be different and more effective at applying his skills and expertise, working for a new company, and one that was more in line with his goals.
In hypnosis, he was able to cut out the constant rumination, rehearsing old thoughts, assumptions and predictions and instead was able to “try on” different perspectives while more broadly reviewing his job interview performance against how he needed to be to get the invitation to his dream job. He stopped showing up to job interviews defending his skills and expertise at his old job when he realized they’d be better utilized and appreciated at a place he desired to work at. It wasn’t long before he got an offer with a start up that offers him appreciation for the work he does and opportunities for advancement. He continues to grow happy to be that person, doing the job he’s dreamed of all along.
A mask you choose, for a while, can truly open a door.
When masks start to hide us
Let us not omit the negative side of masking, though.
Recently, I had been in a conversation with a few friends from various countries about what and how we were taught in school. My friends who grew up in the former Soviet Union told me that students were often assigned a paper and a point of view which they must write the paper and they were graded on how well they could argue from that point, even when it wasn’t what they believed. They learned to speak well, in a certain way, but not always in their own way.
What surprised me most was what came next. Having had to learn to argue, speak and write well a point that is not their own really does make it very difficult to have faith and trust strangers. And it certainly stands to reason that it does. After all, the person speaking might be arguing a point that wasn’t their own, about something they knew nothing about and it was so well presented that it did the job of covering what most needed to be seen.
We all have times where we see people masking, who deceive us. It makes us angry and exhausted and missing our capacities to trust. The polished face that never shows a crack. The opinion that’s performed, not felt. The person we can’t quite read.
And sometimes the mask is on us.
“I’m fine.”
A smile while your stomach is in knots.
Acting confident when you feel shaky inside.
Now and then, that’s a skill. It gets us through a public presentation or a hard day. But when we wear the mask all the time, we can lose track of what we actually feel. And feelings that never get felt don’t just disappear. They come out sideways, they ooze out of us or abruptly explode some times: as tiredness, irritation, or the urge to find someone to blame.
I believe this matter needs addressing more than ever, these days. Our world feels chaotic, people are aggressively divisive, and it’s easy to point at “them.” When people can feel their own emotions and move through them, they have much less need to aim them at someone else. That’s what emotional resilience gives us: room to be real, and room to let others be real too.
Masking and autism: understanding can equip us for fostering a better world
There’s one kind of masking I want to talk about with extra care.
Many people with autism, and many people with ADHD, describe “masking” or “camouflaging.” It can look like:
- Forcing eye contact because it’s expected
- Rehearsing or scripting conversations ahead of time
- Copying other people’s facial expressions or tone
- Holding in stimming (movements or sounds that help with focus and calm)
- Smiling through a noisy, bright, overwhelming room
Masking can help someone get through school or work. But research has linked constant masking with exhaustion, anxiety, and burnout (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; National Autistic Society, n.d.). Imagine performing a role all day, every day, with no intermission.
What helps most isn’t teaching people to mask better. It’s creating more places where they don’t have to. That’s acceptance. And acceptance is something all of us can practice.
Eye contact: meeting in the middle
It’s also worth saying clearly: having difficulty sustaining eye contact doesn’t mean someone is autistic. In many families and cultures around the world, children are taught that looking an elder or a person in authority in the eye is disrespectful, so lowering your gaze is a way of showing respect. Research comparing Japanese and Finnish adults, for example, found that a direct gaze felt less approachable to the Japanese participants (Akechi et al., 2013). Shyness, anxiety, grief, or a painful past can make eye contact hard too. Eye contact means different things in different places and to different people. So the goal isn’t to guess someone’s reason. It’s to stop treating eye contact as the only proof of respect, honesty, or care.
For many autistic people, there’s another layer. Many describe eye contact as intense, distracting, or even painful. Some say they can either look at your eyes or listen to your words, but not both at once (Trevisan et al., 2017). So when they look away, it’s often a sign they’re working hard to hear you.
Researchers have a name for this kind of mix-up: the double empathy problem (Milton, 2012; Crompton et al., 2021). Autistic and non-autistic people can misread each other in both directions. Neither side is “wrong.” We just speak slightly different social languages. And studies show autistic people often connect and share information easily with each other (Crompton et al., 2020). The gap is in the translation, not in the caring.
So how do we meet in the middle?
Name what you need, and ask what they need. Try: “Eye contact helps me know you’re with me. What helps you?” This turns a silent expectation into a kind conversation.
Look for other signs of listening. A nod, a question, a short “mm-hm,” remembering a detail later, a thoughtful reply the next day. Connection shows up in many ways.
Try talking side by side. Some of the best conversations happen while walking, driving, cooking, or working on something together. Many parents already know this one: kids open up in the car.
Don’t treat looking away as rudeness or lying. It’s a common myth that people who avoid eye contact aren’t telling the truth. For many people, it’s how they focus, or how they were taught to show respect.
Offer another way to say “I’m here.” A quick glance at hello and goodbye. Saying out loud, “I’m listening.” Some people find it easier to look near the eyes, at the forehead or mouth. Let them choose what works.
Make room for comfort. Quieter spaces, softer lighting, breaks, and a heads-up about plans all lower the pressure to perform.
For parents and teachers: instead of “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” try “Show me you’re listening in a way that works for you.” Praise the connection, not the performance.
Learn from autistic people themselves. Read and follow autistic writers and advocates. They are the experts on their own experience.
And if you’re someone with autism or ADHD and reading this: you’re allowed to tell people what helps. “I listen better when I’m not looking at your eyes” is a gift of honesty, not a flaw.
When I was an elementary school teacher I used to give the kids writing assignments where they would pair up and walk around the field, while taking turns telling one another the story or subject they were writing about and then have them reunite in the classroom to retell the other’s story and ask for confirmation that they got it right, and got it all. They enjoyed this way of working. This gave the students who struggle to sustain eye contact a big break and some were more expressive and helped feed their partner richer details about their story or topic. I preferred to evaluate their listening skills by listening in on their confirmation convos.
And now, as a hypnotherapist, there are some folks who have come to me wanting to work on fears of public speaking. Often, not always, but often we find that when working on fear of public speaking a big part of relies on managing expectations around sustaining eye contact with more ease and comfort.
A note about hypnotherapy: hypnotherapy doesn’t treat or change autism, and I don’t use it to help anyone mask better. Hypnotherapy is a great modality to use that is supportive of achieving a desired goal and releasing difficult to quit habits and behaviors, such as more ease with stress management, quitting smoking, reducing anxiety, improving sleep, and growing confidence, in a way that respects who they are.
Choosing your masks
So where does that leave us?
There’s a big difference between a mask you choose to try on for a while and a mask you feel you must wear all the time. The first is play, rehearsal, imagination, and quite often even growth. It can open doors. The second can slowly wear you down.
As you put away the costumes this year, try asking yourself:
- Where do I feel like I’m performing?
- Where do I feel free, and most like the person I want to become?
This Halloween, enjoy the costume, the mask, the whole get up. (I hope it helps you feel emboldened to get more candy. lol.) And if a mask has started to feel heavy, I’d love to help you set it down. You already have what you need. I help you find it. Book a free introductory call, and we’ll talk about what’s possible for you.
References
Akechi, H., Senju, A., Uibo, H., Kikuchi, Y., Hasegawa, T., & Hietanen, J. K. (2013). Attention to eye contact in the West and East: Autonomic responses and evaluative ratings. PLOS ONE, 8(3), Article e59312. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0059312
Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x
Crompton, C. J., DeBrabander, K., Heasman, B., Milton, D., & Sasson, N. J. (2021). Double empathy: Why autistic people are often misunderstood. Frontiers for Young Minds, 9, Article 554875. https://doi.org/10.3389/frym.2021.554875
Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320919286
Diener, E., Fraser, S. C., Beaman, A. L., & Kelem, R. T. (1976). Effects of deindividuation variables on stealing among Halloween trick-or-treaters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 33(2), 178–183. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.33.2.178
Jiang, H., White, M. P., Greicius, M. D., Waelde, L. C., & Spiegel, D. (2017). Brain activity and functional connectivity associated with hypnosis. Cerebral Cortex, 27(8), 4083–4093. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhw220
Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem.’ Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
National Autistic Society. (n.d.). Masking. Retrieved October 27, 2026, from https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/behaviour/masking
Trevisan, D. A., Roberts, N., Lin, C., & Birmingham, E. (2017). How do adults and teens with self-declared autism spectrum disorder experience eye contact? A qualitative analysis of first-hand accounts. PLOS ONE, 12(11), Article e0188446. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0188446
